All my life I have been known as “the strong one”. My friends called me “freakishly” strong. At one time I used to curl 275 and press 370 with my legs. When I worked as a case manager for an abuse shelter I would often move families into their new homes and would move the furniture by myself.However, it was not the “freakish physical strength” that became a way of self protecting. Oh, don’t get me wrong, it helped. It was the appearance of “emotional strength” that became my mode of self protecting. I remember one man telling me that I “scared” men, that I intimidated them. Here I was, a young woman, praying and longing for my counter part, my protector and I was told I was intimidating. The strategy I used in my childhood to survive was no longer working in my adult life. That is how it is. God gives us incredible ways of “coping” and surviving trauma in our childhood, yet when we become adults we can no longer take that strategy with us. Something has to change, we have to make a choice.
I had no idea that my “strategy” went with me into my marriage. I married a warrior. I believe this weekend he realized just how much of a warrior he is in my eyes, and I will admit I realized the same thing. Matt and I have been married over 6 years. I know, many think we are still babies in our marriage until you hear our story, yet that is for another time.
From the beginning of our marriage up until Saturday evening my “protective strategy” of ALWAYS BE STRONG came to a halt. Honestly, I was delivered that night. As I sit here recounting the freedom I experienced...I am in tears.
We have started a new series at New Hope called The Bad Girls of the Bible.
Matt asked me two months ago if I would be willing to “team teach” with him. (4 services) It was already going to be an incredibly busy weekend with an OASIS event, yet I agreed…honestly what choice did I have we were already on the schedule.As it turned out, Matt was in DC 3 days before we were scheduled to speak. It was also an intense and rough week. The weather had changed which causes Joshua to have difficulties functioning and intense meltdowns due to his Autism and sensory issues. In the midst of this I was trying to work with him, not neglect my precious 3 year old daughter and get ready for the event with our Autism Group and yes…right before Matt left he and I decided we needed to talk about another woman in the Bible instead of Esther, and we had yet to talk it over with each other.
To be honest, there are only a few people who truly see deep into my “not so strong” side and can call me on that. This week I needed to be strong. (Okay, I have a child with Special Needs…I have this ridiculous view that I need to be strong at all times.)
Not only did Matt leave on Wednesday, this was the first time in 3 years that we had any one come and visit, and 4 people from out of state and country came. I love God’s humor as well as timing. (He knew this was the weekend of deliverance.)
Saturday arrives and we decide that when we speak at New Hope that Matt would just introduce me and I would speak on Lot’s Wife and then he would end. I remember Marti, my dear friend from England sharing afterwards with me, “You started out so strong, you were right on, funny, engaging and then I noticed….’Angel’s face is changing…what’s wrong with Angel’s face?”
I froze. I cannot explain it, yet I know it had to happen. It was God. I remember wanting to run and then I saw him sitting in the front row. My Matt. My Side. My… Rescuer. I remember thinking, “What if I risk asking and he doesn’t come up to me?” I had to take the risk that he would rescue me….and he did. He had not planned on speaking but he came up and began to talk about Lot. He drew me back in.I watched him and something was different. He seemed so strong and I felt so loved and safe. I could not stop watching my husband. As I looked at him I then disclosed to a room full of people (don’t you just love how God does this in front of witnesses…because that is what I needed), “You rescued me tonight.”
My love for my husband went beyond the roof. Don’t get me wrong, I am so in love with my husband…this was just a turning point in our marriage and the love we share for each other was tested and grew that night.
For the first time in 6 years I asked him to help me. To….rescue me. I had no idea he had been waiting.
I realized that I do not have to use my old protective strategies with him. I don’t always have to be “strong”. My past does not define me, Christ does. And with that simple act of trust, God delivered me. It is true, You cannot go with God and stay where you are.
“The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of this world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds.” 2 Corinthians 10:4
If you want to watch or listen to this past weekends message log onto
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